[February 21, 2023] Here is an indisputable fact; marriage and children will be the best thing in a man’s life. This is true across all cultures and as far back as we can ascertain from ancient writings. From that fact, there is advice we can give to men seeking marriage that will be beneficial for all; the spouse, kids, family and friends, job, and community.
Being attracted to one another person is essential to the good life. And while there is some mysteriousness in it, we know that physical attractiveness is both biological and culturally influenced. Biological factors are deeply embedded (e.g., scent, body symmetry, fertility) and very much a part of the appeal. Some will argue that this part of a marital relationship is a big piece of success with a potential spouse.
Trust. No marriage is successful without trust. You have to tell each other the truth. And telling the truth is no simple thing. Many things about us are not ideal, perhaps shameful and tragic. These must be brought out into the open to deal with properly. You will certainly not tell the truth about yourself to someone you can run away from easily. When you reveal who you are, that other person needs the marital bond to stay.
The rule of the marriage bond goes something like this; I’m going to handcuff myself to you, and you’re going to handcuff yourself to me, and then we will tell each other the truth, and neither of us is going to get to run away. Once we know the truth, we will live together in mutual torment, or we will try to deal with it and straighten ourselves out jointly, which will make us more powerful, more resilient, and wiser as we travel through life.
If you leave a backdoor open where you can leave the relationship anytime, you will use it. The bond is there, often represented in the spiritual sense. In Christian marriage, the bond is superordinate to the couple. Carl Jung (founder of analytical psychology) believed that a bond in marriage was more than the people within the marriage. In Christian marriage, the man is not the boss, and the woman is not the boss. The boss is the mutual personality composed of the seeking of truth. The ruler of your marriage is your vow.
We all have done immoral, unethical, tyrannical, embarrassing, and sometimes evil things. You need someone to turn to, a marriage partner you can trust and go to and sort out a path forward using your thinking to get to a solution. Your spouse will help you deal with those dragons, and you will help her when they come across a dragon in her life, and they will come at some point.
One of the things our culture gets wrong is that marriage is devalued. This is a terrible idea. Marriage is a third of your life. And kids are another third of your life. And approximately your life outside family and marriage is another third of your life. To miss any of that is a massive mistake. There are a few exceptions where some people believe that marriage and kids are the pinnacle of life for the vast majority.
For young men looking for a spouse, look for someone you can trust. Look for a woman who is interested in having children and can be a good mother. Look for someone with whom you can weave your life together to strengthen your joint life. You are fortunate if you can manage it.
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