How Do You Find the Right Person?

By | November 20, 2022

[November 20, 2022]  I often heard from many of my Soldiers, “How do you find the right person?”  They ask how to find someone to date, marry, and have children.  Not someone to go out and have fun with but someone they can genuinely be serious about.  I tell them that this is not a good question.  You will not find the answer if you pose the question like that.

The right question is, “How can I make myself into the most attractive possible person?”  Everybody is focused on finding the right person, but very few are trying to become the right person.  For young men, the best answer is for them to get their act together, grow up a bit, and create order in their lives.  What they should be aiming at is a high degree of generosity.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  –  Chinese Proverb, Chapter 64 of the Dao De Jing

Fix all those little problems you have been ignoring and consciously clean up all the leftover mental and physical problems from your past and present.  You can become the best person and do so one step at a time.  Take the first step.  That first step is often the hardest.

Dr. Jordan Peterson puts to us a slightly different question.  “How can you tell if the person you are in a romantic relationship with is the right person to spend the rest of your life with?”  His answer is, “You can’t.  You actually decide that rather than discovering it.”  He also notes that similar personality traits are conducive to a longer-lasting relationship.

I would add that you must be able to trust the other person.  I believe that would be an essential element, closely followed by the ability to negotiate.  Furthermore, you must be able to share similar interests (generally) and lifetime goals (career and children, for example).

If you can find someone like that, and they are approximately the right age and everything else seems to be in order, that might be a start.


Please read my books:

  1. “55 Rules for a Good Life,” on Amazon (link here).
  2. “Our Longest Year in Iraq,” on Amazon (link here).
Author: Douglas R. Satterfield

Hello. I provide one article every day. My writings are influenced by great thinkers such as Friedrich Nietzsche, Karl Jung, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Jean Piaget, Erich Neumann, and Jordan Peterson, whose insight and brilliance have gotten millions worldwide to think about improving ourselves. Thank you for reading my blog.

33 thoughts on “How Do You Find the Right Person?

  1. Pumpkin Spice

    Gen. Satterfield, you’ve done it again and are making some great sense – common sense? – that we can all learn from. Don’t look for the perfect mate, make yourself the perfect mate (or the best you can be). That is how you should ‘see’ the world.

    1. New Zealand Mate

      Happy Thanksgiving 🦃 and turkey day. Great job, Gen. Satterfield.

    2. Ayn Jālūt

      Gen. Satterfield, again great words from great man and who gives of himself to assist those like me and others who can be much more effective in what we do. Leaders are to be what takes us out of the horror of the world and lead us into the promised land we judge to attain.

  2. mainer

    At first I was surprised to read this article. I’d always looked for that perfect person to be my mate for life. Then, and it was a slow realization that the problem was not the other person but it was me that needed to be improved. How could I become the perfect person for someone else. We will always have flaws but my job is to fix as many of them in myself as possible. That way others will be attracted to me. This idea will set you free.

    1. Army Captain

      Great comment mainer. That is also the way of the world. Not just for looking for another ‘mate’ or spouse to be with you but in all matters of being human.

    1. anita

      Of course, that is why Gen. Satterfield has the brain power to write about such an important topic. But it also extends way beyond “finding the right person,” but to finding the right friend, future spouse, etc.

      1. Greg Heyman

        Like the smart folks out there, I finally got it. Look inward to yourself for the solution, not outward to others. That’s what Gen. Satterfield calls “responsibility” and that is what makes us who we are.

  3. Fury Tank Commander

    Ask the right question and you’ll be more likely to find the right answer.

  4. Kenya

    I found it very interesting how Gen. S. turned the question that we so often ask, around onto us. Great job. I’m new here to this website and I hope to make a contribution. Thanks.

    1. Bryan Z. Lee

      Welcome to your new experience on Gen. Satterfield’s leadership forum where you can learn more than you ever bargained for.

  5. Audrey

    TRUST is the foundation of human existence. Everything revolves around it.

    1. Doc Blackshear

      Nothing like emphasizing the lessons of the ancients. Their thinking survives to this day and we improved upon them very little, if at all. ✔

  6. Rev. Michael Cain

    Men, here are some suggestions:
    Be Clean
    Be energetic
    Be kind and respectful
    Be supportive of your family and community
    Get married
    Be a Christian … only then can you experience true freedom

  7. Emma Archambeau

    “The right question is, “How can I make myself into the most attractive possible person?” Everybody is focused on finding the right person, but very few are trying to become the right person. For young men, the best answer is for them to get their act together, grow up a bit, and create order in their lives. What they should be aiming at is a high degree of generosity.” — Gen. Douglas Satterfield. And he is spot on right.

    1. Julia

      And you are again right to pull out this particular quote. Good job Emma. Remember what is written here.

    1. Lynn Pitts

      Now that is a philosophy of life that works and Gen. Satterfield, I’m sure, would be proud of you Fred that you summarized his article in just one sentence. I think I will use your quote and see what kind of reaction I get from my friends who are interested in finding someone to love them.

      1. Tom Bushmaster

        Yes, Lynn and why not? You must have a vision in life, something to aim at or you will get nowhere. You must know where you are going if you want to go somewhere. Paraphrasing Gen. Satterfield.

        1. Lynn Pitts

          Thnk you Tom. You and I have been long-term supporters of this leadership forum and Gen. Satterfield has me writing on occasion a war movie review. I love doing it. And, like the rest of us here, I don’t get paid but I do gain experience in THINKING properly. That is one of the greatest values of this website.

  8. Marx and Groucho

    Very good article and worth reading a second time to make sure I picked up on the nuisances.

    1. Yusaf from Texas

      Hi Mr. John, and thanks for the link but Gen. Satterfield already has it at the bottom of each article. What did you like best of his book. I liked the fact that all his “rules” are pretty basic and common sensical. I got a lot from it too.

  9. Jonnie the Bart

    Gen. Satterfield, good one and full of practical advice on where to put our expectations. ❤
    BTW, loved your book, “55 Rules for a Good Life” and sent another copy to my cousin in Texas.

    1. Laughing Monkey

      Yep, great comment. I too loved Gen. Satterfield’s newest book. But don’t forget his other book “Our Longest Year in Iraq.” I really did enjoy that one and read it to get some insight into the interworkings of our soldiers in the Iraq War. If you want to really get insights, read his books.

      1. Karl J.

        Good point, LM. 55 Rules for a Good Life is the very book we should all read, esp. if we are young.


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