What are You Doing?

[August 9, 2026]  To inquire about what others are doing is a necessary part of our existence. We first encountered this with our parents, who asked about our day. Doing so was a way of getting us to think and talk, and it works. Learning how to put into coherent words what we are doing is a crucial skill, not so easily learned.

“What are you doing?” “Where have you been?” “How was school today?” I can still hear my Mom asking these questions of me as a kid, and she was not content with a one-word answer like “good.” She wanted to genuinely know what her oldest son was doing, and why, and she wanted me to explain it to her in complete sentences without using slang or kid-speak. She cared.

Like most kids, I was annoyed. As a teenager, I was frustrated at having to explain myself to her. Wasn’t she impinging upon my privacy? I thought she was disrespecting me.  However, I’m thankful my Mom didn’t give up; she needed to hear me out, period. So I answered her. I used my words and had to think what to say, to use the right words, control my emotions and not cut my answers short, and be honest about my activities. It was hard.  But, a kid (or adult) lacking in basic manners, the inability to tell the truth, to take responsibility for their own actions, and to have the inability to function in a disciplined environment will not succeed.

A child who is not pushed by a parent to answer the basic questions about what they’re up to is more likely to reject legitimate authority later in life, allow a bad attitude to fester, show disrespect to others, and become a slave to their emotions. Parents are the key to their child’s success in life. Those who do not ask their children questions and make them answer properly are setting their kids up for greater difficulty. The real tragedy is that once these habits harden in adulthood, recovery becomes much harder.

Parents who care, ask. They ask the right questions and set high standards for how that child responds. A parent who tries only to be a “friend” to their kids will not push them to answer correctly. That parent will mainly be interested in being liked (not hated), and that is a feel-good emotion that is common and yet destructive in the medium to long term. It’s a trap to be your child’s friend.

The discipline of answering those simple questions builds more than manners. It trains a young mind to observe itself, to organize thoughts under mild pressure, and to speak with honesty rather than deflection. These are the same habits that later allow a person to give a clear report to a superior, to take ownership of a mistake, or to stand before others without spinning a story. Children who never practice this grow into adults who resent being asked anything at all, and who treat accountability as an insult.

I have watched both outcomes. The young people raised under steady questioning tend to carry themselves with a quiet competence. They can explain what they did, why they did it, and what they learned. The ones raised without that pressure often arrive at adulthood still searching for the words, still defensive, still surprised that the world expects coherent answers. The difference is rarely intelligence. It is almost always the early habit of being required to speak clearly about one’s own actions.

So ask the questions. Keep asking them even when the answers come slowly or reluctantly. Insist on complete sentences, on honesty, and on thoughtfulness. You are not prying for the sake of control. You are teaching your child how to live as a responsible human being who can account for himself. That is one of the most valuable gifts a parent can give.

Ask: “What are you doing?”

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Please read my books:

1. “55 Rules for a Good Life,” on Amazon (link here).
2. “Our Longest Year in Iraq,” on Amazon (link here).